Money Bawl

End-of-Season Stats

           No, I’m still on the roster. Tired arm, but not released outright. And still watching the old money machine flashing cherries and apples faster than the human eye (or a dog’s ear) can comprehend. $18,200,000,000 endowment dollars (that’s eighteen billion, in case counting strings of zeroes gives you a headache) invested in God-only-knows-what. Supposedly returning more than $2,000,000,000 per year (that’s two billion), although precisely how the university calculates the return on illiquid, unmarketable securities (which comprise 85% of the endowment investments) is a bit of a mystery. In any event, accepting that the annual return may be two billion dollars, and bringing that down to something more tangible, every hour (24 hours per day, 365 days per year) the endowment is dumping $233,000 (nearly a quarter of a million bucks) into the university coffers.

            Meanwhile, taking a look at this from the bleachers, from the uncovered seats where the tuition-paying families sit, the university’s net revenue from tuition appears to be $67,000,000 per year (plus or minus a million here or there), which means that if the university were to eliminate tuition the return on the endowment would fill the hole in just 12 days, and a family or two might be able to afford seats under the grandstand roof.

            Would someone please explain these seating arrangements to me.

            I have to go soak my typing arm in ice water.